Wednesday, 23 February 2011


One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St.Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough,we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute)and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St.Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St.Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her smiled and told... " Yesterday we were recruiting, today you're an Employee. "

Tuesday, 22 February 2011

Check this out

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender." MALE PROCEDURE 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Put window up. 7. Drive off. FEMALE PROCEDURE 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 3. Set parking brake, put the window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up. 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. 8. Insert card. 9. Re-insert card the right way. 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 11. Enter PIN. 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. 17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook. 18. Re-check makeup. 19. Drive forward 2 feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided. 23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 25. Redial person on cell phone. 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 27. Release Parking Brake....Then move. I pray for women shaaa...K.Z

8 Ways To Get People To Visit Your Web Site Again And Again

1. Polls

Hold an interactive poll on your web site. Ask visitors a poll
question. Have them e-mail their vote or opinion. People love
to give their 2 cents worth. They would also like to read the
results the next day or week on your web site.

2. Prize Drawings

Hold an ongoing prize drawing on your web site. The prizes
should be something of interest or value to your subscribers.
Most people who enter will continually revisit your web site
to get the results.

3. Original Content

Give your visitors content they can't read anywhere else.
I'm not saying all your content has to be 100% original, but a
portion of your web site should have original information.
People will usually read information they haven't read before.

4. Quizzes

Give your visitors a quiz or a series of trivia questions. Post
the correct answers weekly on your web site. The people
who participate will want to come back to your site to see
if they were right.

5. News

Supply news stories related to your web site topic. People
want current and up-to-date news. If you can be their first
source, they will become repeat visitors to your web site.

6. Jokes

Give your visitors a little humor now and then. Don't be so
serious; tell them a joke. If they associate your web site with
being happy they will visit again and again.

7. Free Stuff

People love to get free stuff. List free stuff on your web site.
It could be software, services, sample products, e-books etc.
The freebies should be related to your web site topic. Keep
the freebies coming and your visitors will return regularly.

8. Directories

Tell your subscribers about Web sites related to your web
site topic. The web sites should be interesting and helpful.
Become your readers’ web site directory and they will come

Quote of the Day:

"No legacy is so rich as honesty." -- William Shakespeare
Warm regard..........K.Z

Monday, 21 February 2011


Another period of election is just around the corner. A huge responsibility has been saddled upon INEC to conduct a free and fair election, but before that can happen, Nigerians would have to go out in their mass to register themselves for the exercise. The Federal govt decided to use the services of corp members to conduct the exercise. Corp members were posted to various locations in Lagos to carry out the exercise. I was posted to Epe; "It was an "Indelible Experience".
Epe is a suburb area, located at the outskirt of Lagos. It was obvious that development was seriously lacking in that part of Lagos as was evident in the kind of buildings, the level literacy, the rate of early marriages, the environment in general.
When I first arrived in Epe, my first impression was " I am gonna boycott this exercise", if only I knew, I should have listened to my Intuition while the local govt chairman was showering us with promises upon promises....I was seriously bamboozed with his sweet talks. We were promised accommodation, daily allowances,lunch or an equivalent of it till the end of the exercise, none of these promises went beyond day (4) of the exercise. The first privilege to get the axe was the accommodation. That chairman be person. After a hard day's work from my polling unit, the only thought in my head was to get back to my hotel room and relax only for the gates to locked in my face. I was furious because no prior notification was given to us, they just threw us out like we were nobody asking us to go to some other lodge surrounded by bush and some terrible, terrible insects. "My Goodness". What a place to live in. I won't even let my worse enemy stay in such a place. As at 10pm of that day,I was wondering the street of Epe not knowing were to pass the night. All efforts made by some of my colleagues and me to plead with the hotel manager to allow us pass one night was to know avail. We were helpless and homeless.
The remaining privileges got the axe simultaneously, for the lunch we begged them to stop giving us, After the first lunch we had, everyone began to purge (even to mess na wahalla, if u try na cheat go come out). Then the annoying 250 naira they gave us as daily allowance also stopped coming, even the way and manner they gave us the money was as if we were begging for it ( kai I don suffer,na me bi dis... 250!!!).
The exercise itself was as uphill task, first was the scanner having issues, then the printer and finally the people; ahhhhhh.....the people. More than half of them did not know their date of birth both the young and the hold, communication was a serious issue and more than 85% of them had whit low or leprosy on their fingers. Their level of hygiene was a disaster. It was in Epe that I realized that housefly could bite, in my polling unit I witnessed a lot of them, "A biting housefly" can you beat that?Not to mention the cult action that was going on amongst the indigenes, were it was also proported that the Power holders of the community were members of various cult groups.
In all these turmoil, there were still those who made Epe a fun place to be amongst them are my corp members (Dave,Kola, Talabi, Ako, Mcqueen, Frank, Igwe etc) and one particular woman whom in her own little effort always tried to bring us some snacks and drinks in my polling unit.
I will never forget my three week experience in Epe, because it really showed me how blessed I am. Also to give thanks to the Almighty Father for the life of my Mother and Father who gave me all the opportunities that life have to offer. It also opened my eyes that their so many places in Lagos that is really underdeveloped and I also pray that they elect a good chairman who will listen and act on their needs
As for me I am waiting to see what will happen in the phase (2) of the election exercise..............K.Z